by Rabbi Peter S. Knobel
Kol Nidre 5761 - October 8, 2000

Kol Nidre is a special moment. The powerful melody proclaims that we stand here tonight, as countless generations of our people have stood here before us. Sometimes they have recited these words and chanted the haunting melody as the oppressor knocked on their doors to carry them into exile or worse. Sometimes they, like us, chanted the melody in the midst of freedom and prosperity. Tonight we have come here for many reasons. Some of us have come out of obligation or habit. Some of us have come to express our gratitude for life’s blessings and achievements. Some of us have come with heart made heavy by accumulated guilt. Some of us have come because our lives seem more burden than blessing. Our hope for this service is that it can help us to frame our lives in more meaningful ways. We seek to deepen our understanding of ourselves so that we can appreciate the blessing, bear the burdens, and find atonement for our sins. Essential to our understanding of Yom Kippur is that our actions and our attitudes can make a difference. Our lives can be broken by physical and spiritual maladies but we can experience healing when cures are not possible. Our words and actions can lift, encourage, confirm and improve the lives of others. Our words and actions can tear down, diminish, and even destroy the lives of others.

One important part of the Yom Kippur liturgy is the litany of al chet repeated over and over for the sin that we have sinned. The list is reasonably comprehensive. It is phrased in the first person plural so we do not say for that sin that I sinned but for the sin that we sinned. We are usually told that this is because while we individually may not have committed the particular sin, inevitably in such a large gathering some one has committed this sin. We are told that there is a sense of communal responsibility and communal solidarity that is at work in this moment. It is easy in such a setting to dismiss the litany as a litany, an often-repeated series of words which have little or no personal application. On the other hand, we may fear these words precisely because of their potential personal application. Tonight we confront our personal behavior and our responsibility as members of a community. From this litany I have selected three lines.

Al chet shechatanu lefanecha bedibur pe.
For the sin which we sinned before you with our words.

Al chet shechatanu lefanecha bentiyat garon
For the sin we have sinned before you by excess pride.

Al chet shechatanu lefanecha by kashiyut oref
For the sin we have sinned before you by being stiffneckedly stubborn.

Words have the power to destroy and words have the power to create. Tonight I want to share with you two stories from the Talmud. They are tragic tales of abusive language based on jealously and destroyed relationships based on the unwillingness to forgive.

Jealousy is a powerful emotion. It leaves people perpetually dissatisfied and often leads to destructive behavior. In our dissatisfaction we often destroy others and ultimately ourselves.

The Talmud tells a tragic story about two of our greatest sages:Rabbi Johanan and his disciple Resh Lakish. It asks the question, "when the student becomes as knowledgeable as the teacher". Can the teacher rejoice in what he has created? While the story’s focus is on student and teacher. It applies to many of our relationships.

Johanan used to go and sit at the gates of the mikveh. ‘When the daughters of Israel ascend from the bath’, said he, ‘let them look upon me, that they may bear sons as beautiful and as learned as I.’

One day R. Johanan was bathing in the Jordan, when Resh Lakish saw him and leapt into the Jordan after him. Said he [R. Johanan] to him, ‘Your strength should be for the Torah.’ — ‘Your beauty,’ he replied, ‘should be for women.’ ‘If you will repent,’ said he, ‘I will give you my sister [in marriage], who is more beautiful than I.’

He undertook [to repent]; So successful was the change that then Resh Lakish wished to return and collect his weapons, but he found that he could not.

Subsequently, [R. Johanan] taught him Bible and Mishnah, and made him into a great man.

Resh Lakish countered by saying: "Looks like yours should be devoted to women," for Rabbi Yochanan was an unusually handsome man.

"If you will repent," Rabbi Yochanan answered, "I will arrange for you to marry my sister. She is even better looking than I."

When Resh Lakish agreed, Rabbi Yochanan arranged the marriage; he also became Resh Lakish's tutor Subsequently, [R. Johanan] taught him Bible and Mishnah, and made him into a great man--one of Israel's leading scholars.

Sometimes later, an argument arose in Rabbi Yochanan's yeshiva. The dispute was of a highly technical nature, focusing on that point during production when different items become susceptible to ritual impurity. Rabbi Yochanan argued that metallic objects such as swords, knives, and daggers are considered fully formed - and therefore susceptible to ritual impurity - only at the moment a smith hardens them in a furnace.

Disagreeing, Resh Lakish contended that they can only be judged completed at the moment the smith dips them in cold water.

Annoyed at being publicly challenged, Rabbi Yochanan sarcastically responded: "A robber understands his trade."

Stung by Yochanan's allusion to his disreputable past, Resh Lakish countered: "What good, then, have you done me by influencing me to give up my life as a bandit? Among the gladiators I was called `Master,' and here too, I am called `Master.' "

"What good has been done you!" Yochanan thundered. "You have been brought under the wings of God."

Almost immediately thereafter, Resh Lakish became gravely ill. The Rabbis were convinced this was because he had offended Rabbi Yochanan. Resh Lakish's wife, who was Rabbi Yochanan's sister, pleaded with her brother to pray for her husband's recovery, but he refused. "If not for my husband's sake," she implored, "then pray for the sake of my children, that they not become orphans."

"I will take care of your children if your husband dies," Rabbi Yochanan responded.

"Then pray for my sake," his sister pleaded. "Pray that I not become a widow."

"I will support you if your husband dies," was all her brother would say.

A short time later, Resh Lakish did die, and Rabbi Yochanan fell into a deep depression. The Rabbis sent Elazar ben Pedat, the brightest young scholar they could find, to study with him, hoping that the youthful sage's sharp mind would divert Rabbi Yochanan from his grief.

Rabbi Elazar Ben Pedat sat before Rabbi Yochanan, and each time the older rabbi uttered an opinion, he would say, "I know another source which supports what you are saying."

Rabbi Yochanan finally said to him, "Do you suppose you are like Resh Lakish? Whenever I stated an opinion, Resh Lakish would raise twenty-four objections to what I said.... He forced me to justify every ruling I gave, so that in the end, the subject was fully clarified. But all you do is tell me that you know another source, which supports what I am saying. Don't I know myself that what I have said is right?"

Rabbi Yochanan turned away from the young man, rent his garments, and staggered about weeping. "Where are you, son of Lakish?" he repeatedly cried out.

In the end he lost his reason. The Rabbis prayed that God take mercy on him, and soon thereafter he died.' 

The story is complex. The younger colleague has challenged the older colleague not recognizing that the direct challenge brings humiliation and lowered esteem to the older colleague. Wounded the older colleague does not offer a counter position but attacks character of the student. This is a familiar scene in businesses and partnership and organizations and in families. This story is repeated daily in the business section of the newspaper. The company’s founder or CEO grooms a successor only to become jealous and to fire him. A senior rabbi mentors a younger colleague only to find the younger colleagues success unbearable and forces the younger colleague out. Parents find themselves in competition with their children. A child’s success is often denigrated because the parent has not achieved the same level of success. The child who wants the approval of the parent is devastated. The ruptured relationship is painful for both. . In some cases the younger colleague, the child lands on his or her feet and goes on to great things and builds a life in spite of the hurt. Sometimes he or she is so wounded that they never recover. Sometimes the mentor is able to push aside his or her own loss and sometimes the mentor is destroyed helplessly seeking a younger colleague with the talent of the one that has been ousted. Frequently there is a cycle of mentoring relationships followed by catastrophic breaks. The examples abound. I can think of many moments in my life when in a fit of anger or jealously or exasperation. I said something that was hurtful. As a parent and as a supervisor it is my responsibility to be sure that my words deal with the problem and not attack the person. I have listened as a parent has sought to correct a child by calling the child stupid or lazy rather than dealing with behavior. I have witnessed moments when instead of dealing with people’s arguments we dismiss them with terms of religious or racial prejudice.

In the mail the other day I received from the scribe who created our new Torah, Rabbi Shemuel Miller and his wife, a little book called The Gentle Weapon: Prayers for Everyday and not so every Day Moments, Timeless Wisdom from the Teachings of the Hasidic Master Rebbe Nachman of Breslov. It contains wise words in the form of short prayers. I believe its frequent recitation may serve as a way to help us keep things in context.

Dear God,
free me of false pride;
free me from arrogance
that accompanies an inflated self-image.
Spare me from haughtiness,
from the overloaded ego
which stems from an empty self
Let me learn to feel good
about myself;
Let me never feel the need
to belittle anyone
In order to find
Value and worth,
In order to feel
valued and worthy.

A second prayer offers an important corollary to the first. Jealousy is a horrible emotion. Legitimate desire and ambition are important, but restlessly measuring ourselves against what others have whether it is wealth, position or honor is destructive.

Dear God
Save me from wanting
What is not mine.
Protect me from my own jealousy
From desiring
The money or possessions,
the position or the honor
that belong to another.
Let me trust in You
Enough to believe
That what is meant to be mine
Will come to me
Let me trust in You
Enough to be satisfied
with all that I have
today.

The second story is very well known. It is linked to the first in many ways but more the subject of a study session than a devar Torah. I have told it before but for other purposes. Yet last year I have the opportunity to read it in context thanks to Jeffery Rubenstein’s brilliant book Talmudic Stories. It is called the oven of Aknai

We learned there: If he cut it (an oven) into segments and placed sand between the segments, R. Eliezer rules that it is pure and the sages rule that it is impure. And this is the oven of Akhnai.

What is Akhnai (=snake)? Rav Yehuda said Shemuel said, "Since they surrounded him with words like this snake and ruled it impure."

It was taught: On that day R. Eliezer responded with all the responses in the world, but they did not accept them from him.

He said to them, "If the law is as I say, let the carob [tree] prove it." The carob uprooted itself from its place and went one hundred cubits-and some say four cubits. They said to him, "One does not bring proof from the carob." The carob returned to its place.

He said to them, "If the law is as I say, let the aqueduct prove it." The water turned backwards. They said to him, "One does not bring proof from water." The water returned to its place.

He said to them, "If it (the law) is as I say, let the walls of the academy prove it." The walls of the academy inclined to fall. R. Yehoshua rebuked them. He said to them, "When sages defeat each other in law, what is it for you?"

It was taught: They did not fall because of the honor of R. Yehoshua, and they did not stand because of the honor of R. Eliezer, and they are still inclining and standing

He said to them, "If it is as I say, let it be proved from heaven." A heavenly voice went forth and said, "What is it for you with R. Eliezer, since the law is like him in every place?"

R. Yehoshua stood up on his feet and said, "It is not in heaven (Deut 30:12)."

This verse is part of tomorrow mornings Torah portion.

What is, "It is not in heaven"?

R. Yirmiah said, "We do not listen to a heavenly voice, since you already gave it to us on Mt. Sinai and it is written there, Incline after the majority (Exod z3: z)."

R. Natan came upon Elijah. He said to him, "What was the Holy One doing at that time?" He said to him, "He laughed and smiled and said, `My sons have defeated me, my sons have defeated me.

In defeat God rejoices that humans have taken on the interpretation through reason and argumentation rather than through the recourse to miracles. God applauds their independence and growing maturity. If we left the story here as we usually do, it would be a story with a happy ending. But humans are not as generous in defeat as God. Let us return to the story.

At that time they brought all the objects which R. Eliezer had ruled were pure and burned them and voted and excommunicated him.

They said, "Who will go and inform him?" R. Akiba said to them, "I will go and inform him lest a man who is not fitting goes and informs him and destroys the whole world." What did he do? He dressed in black and covered himself with black and took off his shoes and went and sat before him at a distance of four cubits and his eyes streamed with tears.

He (R. Eliezer) said to him, "Akiba, why is this day different from other days?" He said to him, "It seems to me that your colleagues are keeping separate from you." His eyes too streamed with tears, and he took off his shoes and removed [his seat] and sat on the ground. The power of Eliezer’s grief is so great that the text says:

The world was smitten in one third of the wheat, one third of the olives, and one half of the barley…

It was taught: It (the destruction) was so great (afgadol) on that day that every place where R. Eliezer cast his eyes immediately was burned.

Also ('af) Rabban Gamaliel was on a ship. A wave of the sea stood to drown him. He said, "It seems to me that this is because of [R. Eliezer] the Son of Hyrcanus." He stood up on his feet and said, "Master of the universe. I acted not for my honor, nor did I act for the honor of my father's house, but I acted for your honor, in order that disagreements do not multiply in Israel." The sea immediately rested from its anger.

Ima Shalom, the wife of R. Eliezer, was the sister of Rabban Gamaliel. After that event she never allowed him (Eliezer) to fall on his face. That day was the new month and a poor man came and stood at the door. While she was giving him bread she found that he (Eliezer) had fallen on his face. She said, "Stand up. You have killed my brother." Meanwhile the shofar [blast] went out from the House of Rabban Gamaliel (signaling that he had died). He said to her, "How did you know?" She said to him, "Thus I have received a tradition from my father's house: `All the gates are locked except for the gates of [verbal] wronging:"

Jeffery Rubinstein reminds us. "In the heat of the debate it is easy to turn ad hominem, to reject the person rather than the position he advocates, to become frustrated and annoyed, to slip from legal discussion to insult and offense, to treat a stubborn opponent with hostility and contempt. Almost anything can be justified in the name of the legal process. We see here the familiar tension between abstract principles and concrete, human reality By their very nature abstractions tend to divert attention from the individual plane and to minimize the significance of particular human suffering. These dangers are particularly great when the majority-confident because of its numbers, self-righteous because it is the majority-vents its power against an individual… The story warns that the human elements must not be overlooked. The story, then, is not only about the nature of the legal process but about how that process must be conducted."

In all of our relationships, whether strictly personal or business, it is important to assert the value of another person. This is most important when dealing with difficult and emotionally charged issues. How we deal with disputes is the measure of us as individuals and as a community. This is especially true in voluntary organizations such as the synagogue. While we often use the language of mitzvah commandment or obligation, when we speak of our relationship to the synagogue and to the Jewish people, this is no excuse for failing to demonstrate our appreciation for those who volunteer, for those who give of their time and of their substance. We should welcome people warmly and invite their participation and demonstrate our gratitude that they are part of our community. We should encourage their advice and utilize their expertise and thank them for what they have offered. Finally we should encourage their critique.

We must learn from our shortcomings as well as our successes. Criticism is an art. Joseph Telushkin in his book Words that Hurt and Words that Heal suggest that we ask ourselves three questions:

1. How do I feel about offering the criticism? Does it give me pleasure or pain?
   
   If it gives us pleasure it is a sure sign of trouble. We must always be ready to question our own motives for offering criticism.
   
2. Does my criticism offer specific ways to change?
   
   The most difficult criticism to deal with is one that does not offer any means for change. I remember once receiving an anonymous letter with words, "Polish up your act". What was I supposed to do with that? You can think of your own examples.
   
3. Are my words non-threatening and reassuring?

   Criticism cannot help if it cannot be heard. We have all been victims of a tirade, a flood of threats and abuse. Immediately we close down and become defensive.

It is not only important to know how to offer criticism but how to accept criticism. Let us learn

1. We should be grateful for constructive criticism because it gives us an opportunity to change.
   
2. We must ask, " is what the person has said true"?
   
   Telushkin adds "that even if the criticism seems overstated, we should ask Is there any validity to the criticism? Can I take what she said and use it to improve myself?
   
3. Criticism should be offered in private.

The Talmud considers shaming of another person in public to be a form of shedding blood. It is akin to murder because our faces turn red with embarrassment and because it diminishes the image of God in each of us. The most difficult criticism to deal with is the anonymous note that leaves no room for conversation. The old adage applies here, If you are upset, think before you speak.

The Talmud offers us a definition of a wise, strong, wealth, and esteemed person.

Mishnah 4:1. Ben Zoma said: Who is wise? The one who learns from every person. Who is strong? The one who controls his or her temper. Who is rich? The one who rejoices in his lot. That is suppresses jealousy. Who is honored? The one who honors others by giving them their due.

Al chet shechatanu lefanecha bedibur pe.
For the sin which we sinned before you with our words.

Al chet shechatanu lefanecha bentiyat garon
For the sin we have sinned before you by excess pride.

Al chet shechatanu lefanecha by kashiyut oref
For the sin we have sinned before you by being stiffneckedly stubborn.

 

A Final prayer.

O God,
help me avoid
every abuse of speech.
Let no untrue word
Escape my lips.
I pray that I never
Speak badly of others,
Or speak empty words of flattery.
Help me stay away from profanity.
Teach me dear God,
When to keep silent
And when to speak:
And when I speak O God
Save me from using
Your wonderful gift of speech
To humiliate or hurt
Anyone.